Things That Go Bump in the Night
by Ra Cho Tamer
Summary: The Gorillaz now face the biggest threat they have had the displeasure of meeting. Rabid fan girls. Join the band as they try to put a stop to the madness that has started to take over their lives.
1. A Prelude of Vindication

Dear avid readers/writers of Gorillaz Fan Fiction,

After two days of lurking around Fan Fiction's Gorillaz section, I have come to realize how many stories there are of Gorillaz. Actually, scratch that. I've come to realize how many PAIRING stories there are. Nearly every single story I happen to come across has some sort of romance in it between the band members. I'm a fan due to "Phase 2" of this story of a Satanist bass player, a Japanese guitarist, an idiotic singer/keyboards expert and a one-man rhythm king making music together. I'm one of the seemingly few people left of the fandom that is just there for the music, and not just for the art and characters. I love the fantastically dysfunctional four, don't get me wrong. I can't get enough of them. But seeing a page with "SOMEONE X SOMEONE ELSE" all over the page summaries is enough to make me sick. Not only between members, but original characters. Mary-Sues, if you will. Gorillaz is not an anime or a cartoon. It's a cartoon band. At least show some decency towards them, or else you might wake up with the words "Flying V" forever imprinted upon your forehead.

So what am I going to do about this? Complain? No, usually that's ignored. Ignore it? How can I? It's everywhere! That's it. I've decided I'm going to fight fire with fire. Make up my own story to end all stories. Well, all sappy romance stories. If I can't stop the Mary-Sues, at least I can try to stop the pile of forever growing "Murdocx2D" or "2DxNoodle" fan fics that seem to be breeding on this website. And this story I'm going to write...if you think it's going to be crap, you are wrong.

Dead, fucking, wrong.

It's going to be full of action, sharp wit, stabbings at stereotypes, Mary-Sue zombie-blasting action. Oh, and possibly a musical number with a few dancing bears high on weed or something. There will be faces in this story. Some old, some new. Both will be here to battle this wave of ever-growing sappy fan fiction that is written by love sick teenagers who will never be able to get a date in their miserable pathetic lives. All of this will be written by one fan that is just sick and tired of everything.

I suggest you sit back and get into a comfortable chair, my dear mindless reader. This is going to be a long and wild ride.

Sending you off with many hugs and kisses from the monsters of your dreams: The Author.

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The Gorillaz are not for sale. They are a Cartoon Band going out of their way to give the world good entertainment and good music instead of all recycled pop music. No one has and never will own them, despite what people such as Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett would like you to think. They just help scrub the toilets in Kong Studios, after all. But no fan will ever own the Gorillaz. Not now, not ever. That means that events that you are about to read in this story have never happened. Not that they COULD happen, mind you. Review and flame to your little heart's content. Just keep in mind that no matter how well anyone knows the band's personalities, no matter how well anyone knows the layout of Kong Studios, no one will and ever control Gorillaz. This applies to this particular author. Besides, this is just for laughs and to point out a big problem in not only Gorillaz fan fiction, but fan fiction pretty much everywhere in popular areas of entertainment, such as anime or cartoons. Especially anime. Now that you think about it, this is probably the cause of the pairing crisis in the Gorillaz fandom today.

Now, where were we? Ah, yes. The story...


	2. Zombies of the Rabid Kind

Murdoc Niccals had it all. Fame, money, power, and a love shack on wheels. Unfortunately for Mr. Niccals, things usually are never normal around him. Demons flock to his door, misfortune lurks around every corner, and the place he calls home was once the base of functions of an old man and his physical desires, now a ghost forever roaming the halls moaning for a "glass of water". It also didn't help that he was a Satanist and had sold his soul to the Devil in return for all of his success in the musical industry. Or that the fact that he was the bass player for a band of cartoons. Being animated didn't help things as well. And since his band members included a teenage Japanese guitarist, an idiotic English singer, and a big guy from New York who played the drums had the habit of being possessed by demons didn't exactly add an air of normality to the place. But Mr. Niccals didn't mind. He was on top of the world! Who was he to care if strange things happened? Made things more exciting and the like. But there was one thing he hated more than anything else in the world.

"ZOMG IT'S MURDOC! WE NEEDZ HIS AUTOGRAPH:D" Fan girls. Screaming, giggling, hysterical fan girls. At first he didn't mind the attention when he pulled together the greatest band that ever lived and skyrocketed them to the heights of glory. Those girls had every single right to love him. But then, after the release of their second album, Murdoc began to notice something different about the girls. They started giggling whenever he and the face-ache of a singer 2D walked into the room. Whispering to each other in low voices, eyes locked on him. Screaming hysterically, even, and acting like a bunch of twits in general. Then came the pictures.

"FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET SATAN!!" The fan girls learnt how to draw. And color. And get accounts on famous artistic websites such as 'DeviantTart". They were starting to band together, posting the most ridiculous pictures ever created all over the place. Some he didn't mind. Hey, at least they managed to get his ass right. But then came the couples. The big one was with the one man he despised more than anyone on the planet. Well, apart from Dr. Wurzel, but that's another story.

"Wut is it, Murdoc?" A wavering Cockney accent filled the room. Murdoc's eye twitched and spun around in his well worn rolling computer chair, surrounded by all of the CPUs in the backend. He looked pissed. Very pissed.

"Do you realize what you have DONE, boy?!" 2D, in all of his lanky, blue haired glory recalled, braced himself if the bass player was going to storm on over and give him a good whack over the head.

"N-n-no. I 'aven't done 'anyfing, Muds. Honest!" His voiced cracked with strain and fear. Surprisingly, Murdoc didn't go over and perform any kind of physical abuse as he normally would. Instead, he sat perfectly still in the rolling chair, save for his chest rising and falling, trying to control his rage and disgust.

"No? Come over here then." 2D shakily approached Murdoc, who grabbed 2D's shirt as soon as he was within reach and forced him towards the computer screen that Murdoc was looking at. "Tell me, what do ye see? Huh? HUH?" He pressed 2D's face against the screen, oblivious to the fact that saliva was now all over the monitor due to 2D's mouth being pressed hard against the screen.

"Urr...I can't see nofing." 2D's voice came as a muffled reply. Rolling his mismatched eyes, Murdoc pulled 2D away and got him down on the same plane of view as himself.

"Look!" He yelled, spittle flying in all directions. 2D obeyed and focused his eyes, his head throbbing and his world spinning. He could make out two figures that were slowly coming into focus.

"...'ey, that looks just like us!" His eyes focused more and then saw what was going on. "Oh, erm..." It clearly wasn't them, but an artist's depiction of the two men lying in bed with no pants on. Looking very cozy, as a matter of fact. "Ah!" 2D immediately covered his eyes, hoping he didn't see what he thought he saw.

"So, it wasn't your idea or nothin'?" The singer shook his head, his blacked-out eyes still covered from any other images that might be on that vile contraption. Or any of the other computers around him, for that matter. Murdoc closed off the picture, and the other twenty three images he had found while searching for pictures of himself in any law-suit worthy situations. A few seconds passed before 2D realized he wasn't being used as a punching back.

"Wut the 'ell was that?" 2D asked, his eyes still covered. With a shrug, Murdoc leant back in his chair, his well-worn boots resting upon the desk.

"I don' know. But there's quite a few of 'em running around the internet." He looked up at the ceiling as 2D slowly stood up, his eyes now uncovered and burning with disgust.

"But…but we ne'er do that to each other. Right?"

"'Coarse not. Why in the seven rings of hell would we?" Silence passed before Murdoc chose to speak, choosing his words carefully. "I found more that were much worse. Far worse that that..." 2D remained silent, his brow furrowing. "They involved Noodle..." Noodle. The youngest of the band and not a day older than fifteen. Their Asian Axe Princess. Murdoc didn't even have to go on.

"WHAT?! Poor Noodle...in those fings?!"

"Not necessarily _those_ things. More like stories." 2D started to shake with anger.

"Just 'cuse we are cartoons doesn' mean we don'…we don'…"

"We don't screw every person we come into contact with?"

"No, no, that's not it." The singer's brow creased even further, his pretty-boy face now folded into a deep knot of concentration. "We don'...we don' go and screw every person we come into contact with!" Murdoc rolled his eyes and gave 2D a well deserved smack over the head, who subsequently fell down to the floor immediately after the blow was delivered

"Assface." The bass player muttered, his feet shifting on the desk to get comfortable. "But really, this is starting to get out of hand, don't you reckon?" Massing his head, 2D looked up at Murdoc.

"Eh? Wut do you mean, Muds?" Sighing with a lack of energy, Murdoc looked back up to the ceiling.

"I mean these fan girls. Really...some of the crap I've seen is just fuckin' terrible. It's a step below pornography. I mean, why?" His voice rose. "Why do they do it?! We are just a band, for the love of crap! We just play music, nothing more! Do you see pictures like THAT of Paris Whats-her-name all over the internet?!" Murdoc paused. "Actually, scratch that. She's already been there." He sighed. "But really, just 'cause we are animated doesn't mean that we are like those crappy Japanese animation shows that everyone seems to be so obsessed with. We are actually living and breathing!" He waved his hand about. "Really, it's stupid. They shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Why, we may as well haul their asses to court and..." Slowly, a greasy yellow-toothed smile spread across the man's grimy face. "Yeah...yeah we can!"

"Wut?"

"Don't you see, boy? We can sue the pants off them! More money for us, and less of that crap flying around the world!"

"So...there'll be less pictures like that?" Murdoc stood up and whacked 2D over the head again as he did so. Whether this was intentional or not, 2D couldn't tell. All he knew was that he was in pain again.

"HA! It's the perfect plan!" He walked on over to one of the computers and started to do a series of clicking and typing. 2D, now massing two bumps on his head, stumbled on over to look over Murdoc's shoulder as he typed up what had to be the most beautiful pieces of persuasive writing ever known to man kind. Or on the Gorillaz official forums, at least.

_"__Murdoc: Listen up, minions. We have an important announcement to make. I, Murdoc Niccals, your ultimate leader and king of the world, seem to be notice a lot of really rancid pictures and ludicrous stories out there. What do I mean by that? Well, when I say a lot, I MEAN a lot. And rancid...well, look up the dictionary for that one. Same with ludicrous. I seem to have flushed copy for some reason._

_Anyway, if I...well, if __**we**__, see such a picture ever again, I will get a cartoon lawyer to track you down and haul your asses to court. Same goes for those ridiculous pieces of literature you like to call "stories" or "behind the scenes" or whatever crap you think is good enough to get people to read whatever rubbish you cook up. No matter what you would like to think, none of that has actually happened. Only in your sick little heads._

_T__he bottom line is that we want you to stop writing or drawing us Gorillaz members in erotic situations with the same gender, at the very least. Or with Noodle. Christ, that is just wrong, even for me. Just stop it and we won't sue you for every last dime you've got on you, right? Better be off then. Hopefully today might be some bad dream or something. Some of the stuff I've seen today isn't pretty."_

Reading over his little announcement twice over, the bass player hit "post thread" and pulled up a chair with a grin. "Right, now. Watch how my underlings will respond to my every command and try to stop this crap from spreading." A few minutes past before Murdoc hit the refresh button. He could see Russel had posted his response already.

_"__Russel: I normally don't agree with Muds, but he's right. We've been meaning to talk about this for a while now."_

"You know the irony of this? Russ doesn't even have any of that crap up. Apparently he's too fat for bandwidth or some crap like that. Hur, hur."

_"The past few months especially, we've been seeing some pretty nasty things flying around, and we just want it to stop. We know it's your way of appreciating us, we're cool with that. It's just the nature of some of the stuff you create. It...it isn't that nice. Our main concern is Noodle. Do whatever you like to 2D and Murdoc__ when drawing or writing. No one knows what they get up to in their spare time."_

"OI!"

_"__Do whatever you want to me, if you must. But, really, Noodle? I don't think she will be too thrilled to see some of the stuff flying around. I'm just thankful that she hasn't seen any of the stuff yet. Hopefully it will stay that way for awhile. She's too nice to see such awful images."_

"That's right, Russ." 2D said to the screen. "She is too nice ta see any of that." Murdoc sighed and smacked 2D over the head with a nearby telephone book before scrolling down the long list of messages.

"Hey, I think it's workin'. _'You tell 'em Muds, I'm sick of seeing that stuff'. 'Yeah, that stuff is just getting out of hand'. _Eh, I was expecting more of a response, but oh well." He continued reading. "_'I don't really know what you are so upset about. Don't like it, don't look at it, yeah? Just calm down, they are just trying to be nice.'_ Hah, yeah, drawing nobs all day is calcified as gratitude in my book any day. _'Hey, that's not nice. I drew some of those things and worked very hard on it.'_ Well she'd better stop drawing 'em or I'll sue the panties off her. _'ZOMG MURDOC MARRY ME! 8D'. _Marriage is a bit strong of a word, I think. But if we were to get together in my Winnebago later...hrmrawr..." As Murdoc started fantasizing, 2D continued reading.

"Oi, Muds, there are some really weird ones further down."

"Shut up, I'm busy."

"This bird says _'omg like Murdoc looks at my work lol thanks russ i'm going to draw them doing stuff now :D'. _Oh! Here's another one! _'I'll keep on writing my stories and drawing my pictures, thanks. No matter what you think about this or about me, or what you'll do to me, I'll keep on creating. Love is a very beautiful thing, and if you had a soul or a heart you could understand that.'_ Erm...'at one seems to be pretty upset." Murdoc snapped out of his fantasy world, as livid as ever.

"Oh yeah? I don't care for all for gay rights drawings and that crap, but NOT when it's involving me, thanks!" Fuming, Murdoc pulled himself up to the computer and began to type.

_"Murdoc: Is that right? 'Love is a very beautiful thing'...HAH! Not when you are doing art about real people! We may be cartoon, but we are still alive. It's like drawing porn of Britney Spearhead or something."_ He then pushed the "enter" button with a green-toned finger and threw himself back into the chair, which rolled out from underneath him and made him fall to the ground. 2D cracked up laughing. "WHAT'S SO FUNNY, YOU BASTARD?!" 2D stopped as immediately as he began. "Nothin'? Thought so." Murdoc got back up into his chair and refreshed the screen and read a few new comments, swearing under his breath every so often. "I don't believe this..." He muttered, scrolling down. "I don't fuckin' believe this..." Silence. 2D shifted about, nervous about asking what was on his mind.

"W...wut's the matter, Muds?" Murdoc rounded on him.

"What's the matter? WHAT'S THE MATTER?!!" He grabbed 2D by his scrawny throat and pressed him up against the monitor again in rage. "LOOK AT THAT!!"

"I can't see nufink." Murdoc violently tore 2D away from the monitor, which now had a perfect likeness of 2D's face imprinted upon it. Stars and coo-coo birds swirled before 2D's fractured eyes before he could regain focus again. "Err...was it say? I can' read nuffing." Growling, Murdoc read aloud in a sickly sweet and high-pitched tone.

"_'You can't do this! I love seeing that stuff about!' 'Come on Murdoc, it's just for a laugh.' 'How can you do this? What about my stories?' 'Dude, it's called 'fan fiction' for a reason!'_ I'M SICK OF IT!" He roared, his grip on 2D's throat tightening like a vice, not noticing 2D's face starting to go blue. "Why can't they just stop? Why?!" 2D tore himself away from Murdoc's grip and panted heavily, taking in the stale air of the Backend.

"So...so our fans won't stop it?" He asked when he got his breath back.

"They have been brainwashed somehow, I'm sure of it." Murdoc muttered to himself, pacing a small area of space that wasn't littered with paper and wire. It was obvious that he was deep in thought, since his eyes gave off a dangerous gleam that only came about when something was going on that he did not like. And Mr. Niccals did not like this. Not at all. "They are all saying how they have the rights to do it, when _I_..." He paused, taking notice that 2D was listening intently. "...when _we_ are real people. You don't see fans writing up stories about Michael Jacksion anywhere, eh? Wouldn't blame him. That face of his is enough to give anyone the creeps." He waved the thought aside. "Look, we need to stop them now. We need to find the one who stared all of this." 2D's vacant stare was enough to throw Murdoc off the deep end. He grabbed 2D's shirt and started shacking it like crazy. "DON'T YE UNDERSTAND?! WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHO IS FUCKIN' RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!! OTHERWISE FOR THE REST OF OUR MISERABLE LIVES, OUR FANS WILL THINK WE ARE JUST GIANT PUSHOVERS! WE NEED TO SHOW THEM WHO IS IN CHARGE OF RUNNIN' THIS SHOW!!" The bassist panted, allowing the anger to run out of him so then he could think. 2D, in the mean time, was hanging limply in Murdoc's grip, ignoring the persistent migraine in his head thanks to all of the yelling. With a sigh, Murdoc threw him to the ground and sat back down on his chair, muttering things such as 'fags' and 'scum bags' non-stop under his breath. He looked back up at the computer and, after looking at another message, threw the screen across the room. A giant computer with the word MEL painted on it fizzled to life just as the screen hit the wall near it.

"H-E-Y-S-T-O-P-t-h-a-t-N-O-W." Murdoc growled and looked for something to throw at it. The computer seemed to sense danger. "C-A-R-E-f-o-r-s-o-m-e-T-E-A?"

"Oo, 'at sounds nice, MEL." 2D piped up.

"O-O-O-P-S-l-o-o-k-s-l-i-k-e-t-h-e-r-e-i-s-N-O-M-O-R-E-T-E-A-2-d-b-e-t-t-e-r-L-U-C-K-n-e-x-t-T-I-M-E." The computer, MEL, then turned itself off, but not before something that sounded like a combination of static and cursing. 2D shrugged.

"Oh well." Murdoc, however, was thinking far beyond the realms of tea and crumpets.

"Oi! 2D!" The singer flinched, expecting a beating of some kind.

"Y-y-eah, boss?"

"Round up Noodle and Russel. It's time we turn our attention to something we've let run wild for far too long."

"Wut, the garden?"

"No, far from it. Our fan girls." 2D stood silent for a minute.

"Ooh, 'em. But I fink the garden needs some attention as well."

"NOW, FACE-ACHE! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT NOW! GET THEM BACK IN THE LOBBY IN FIVE MINUTES OR I'LL CHOP OFF YOUR BLOODY UGLY HEAD AND USE IT AS A URINAL!"


End file.
